The Corner Penthouse

Baby: Secret Of The Lost Legend (1985) is a movie that is a part of my childhood, though I don't think I ever saw it when I was a child. What I remember most about the movie was owning the Topps trading card set.


It wasn't until recently that I finally saw the movie itself. Seeing the crudeness of the special effects in the card photos, and how dingy the whole thing looked even in stills, I was expecting something dreadful. I was pleasantly surprised to find a movie that, while not bad in and of itself, is so perfectly ripe for an R-rated parody remake that I can't believe Paul Feig didn't chose this over Ghostbusters. His brand of raunchy, juvenile humor is so perfectly suited for this movie, that I just had to write up this review/rundown of the movie (kinda in the style of Mystery Science Theater 3000), pointing out where parody humor would have been more appropriate in place of the movie's semi-seriousness.

SPOILER WARNING: This article will run through the entire movie, and as such, it will spoiler any surprises for you. Not that there is much to spoil. You are shown who the villain is in the first few minutes, and you know there are dinosaurs in the movie. Anything else, you could figure out on your own without me telling you. Also, this article is going to be very image-intensive and long. You'll likely read through it quicker than it took me to write it, but I just wanted to give you a heads-up before you proceed any further.

Baby: Secret Of The Lost Legend was the third movie released under Disney's then-new Touchstone Films label. As such, it opens with that very early, and rather ugly-looking, logo.


Then we're greeted with the following exposition in white text on a blue background. Why a blue background? Why not, I guess! Gotta love filmmakers who are too lazy to even give information via opening narration, so they decide to just dump text on us at the start of the film. For what it's worth, all of this information can be learned from watching the rest of the movie, so there really was need for this text.

In the Equatorial Rain Forest of West Africa, rumors persist of a huge reptile-like creature. Said to be larger than an adult elephant, the natives call it Mokele-Mobembe. Numerous expeditions have been mounted in its pursuit. So far none has met success.

After the title screen, we get... BOOBIES! Not of the titillation variety; more of the National Geographic variety. Baby is one of the few PG-rated films to feature bare female breasts.


While this parade in some city in Africa is going on, a man named Etienne (Julian Curry) is knifed in a side alley by our (soon-to-be) villain, Dr. Eric Kiviat (Patrick McGoohan), so he can steal his attache of mysterious blurry photos. He'll post them online to prove the existence of legendary lost dinosaurs in Africa!


We are introduced to the greatest American hero, George Loomis (William Katt), a sports journalist playing baseball with the natives. He took time off from his career to support his paleontologist wife Susan (Sean Young), who is digging up dinosaur bones with her boss, Dr. Kiviat.


As we already know, the good doctor isn't so good. Susan doesn't know this, so when he dismisses her "dinosaur" bone as being from a giraffe, she believes him. Later, she talks to fellow scientist Dr. Pierre Dubois (Edward Hardwicke), who found another similar bone near where a local tribe resides. Susan compares the bone to hers, and tries to convince George that they should go there. He will have none of that, as he has a new job offer waiting for him back home in the States. Susan leaves in the middle of the night, but writes him a "Dear George" letter before she goes.


And that was the end of their marriage. George filed for divorce when he got back to the States, while Susan remained in Africa, now married to the head of the Senufo tribe. THE END.

I'm kidding. The movie isn't that short. George charters a plane to find her. He asks the pilot, Kenge Obe (Hugh Quarshie), what he should do about his wife troubles. Kenge answers bluntly, "If it were my wife, I'd whip the bitch." Remember, although branded as Touchstone, this was a film that was kinda marketed towards kids. Can you imagine hearing that in a "kid's movie" in 2018? Still, as an adult watching this, and because the line is so blunt and out of left field, I found it to be extremely funny.


He catches up with Susan, and together they go trekking through the jungle in search of the legendary lost creature that the Sanga chief describes to them through this drawing. Get this guy on Win, Lose, or Draw - STAT!


George and Susan soon find themselves ambushed by another local tribe brandishing spears. Susan decides to take Polaroid photographs of the group after they start feeling her up. An R-rated parody would expand on that by having the tribe look like they're unintentionally clawing away her clothes, thus inadvertently leaving her naked.


George is initially flabbergasted, since some cultures consider photographs as "stealing one's soul". Turns out, this tribe likes having their photo taken. What are they, Kardashians?!? A parody would insert a "photo shoot" montage here. It only adds to the parody that some of the female members are topless (a "nude photo shoot"); in a National Geographic sort of way, of course.


George and Susan are invited back to their village, where he is offered some rather disgusting soup made with live and dead ants. Not one to offend, he graciously gulps it down, proclaiming it to be "absolute crap-o-rama". George offers the leader, Cephu (Kyalo Mativo), a granola bar. He takes a bite, then slyly spits it out, while George attempts to down the last of the ant soup. There's a little bit of humor here that seems like it could be expanded upon in a parody, especially in the way the tribe members all laugh at George for eating so much of the soup. They clearly know that he doesn't like it, and are getting a kick out of it.



Later that night, George and Susan are given a sort of "near beer" while watching the tribe dance around a bonfire. Susan remarks that she feels "really strange", which would allow for an awesome hallucinogenic dream sequence here in a parody. Susan shows Cephu the "dinosaur" drawing, and all of a sudden the party stops. Go. Yes, I think, go. The joyfulness is over. The camera pulls back to find George and Susan as the only ones left around the dying bonfire. Where did the tribe go? Man, that is some strong near beer.


The next day, Dr. Kiviat's assistant Nigel Jenkins (Julian Fellowes) is with some mercenaries who they've hired to help them find the legendary lost creature. If they find it, it won't be lost anymore. Still legendary, though. The funny thing here is that he's reading a map, even though there is one literally on his shirt!


After trekking through some more jungle, George and Susan find the Mokele-Mobembe. Excuse me, the Brontosaurus, You know, the dinosaurs.


Cue the music...


There are three of them; Mom, Dad, and Baby. Guess which one will be the centerpoint of the movie? Awww...he's so cute in an ugly fake mechanical robot kind of way. For what it's worth, given the time period in which the movie was made, this is actually really excellent work done by the special effects/creature creation crew. Of course, ILM would blow it all away eight years later in Jurassic Park, but that was in the computer effects era. There was practically none of that in 1985.


Soon, George decides to take a swim in the lake while Susan washes some clothes. Baby channels his inner Nessie and scares George plumb out of the water. Susan coaxes it out onto land, and after calming it down, they put it under house arrest. I mean, they put a tracking device around its ankle. So I guess, same thing.


They hear Mommy roaring nearby, so they go check it out. Dr. Kiviat, Nigel, and the mercenaries have found the legendary, no-longer-lost Brontosauruses. They shoot a tranquilizer dart into it's neck and it goes down faster than Jenna Jameson. However, they were not expecting Daddy to come up from behind. Just as he starts to get close to his mate, he's shot dead. At least it's not the dinosaur's Mama that was killed.


George and Susan come out from the shadows and confront Dr. Kiviat. Wrong move. Kiviat tells his men that they "do not take prisoners", so one of them goes to shoot him. Susan comes out to save him, so they go to shoot her, too. Before they can... Cephu to the rescue! This guy steals the show. Forget Baby, Cephu is the one that will win your heart.


After the bad guys leave, Baby rummages through the supplies Dr. Kiviat left behind. She gets a pair of his dirty tighty whities stuck on her head. Cue the laugh track.


Our dynamic duo coaxes Baby back - I want my Baby back, Baby back, Baby back - with some fruit and a Sony Walkman emitting dinosaur orgasm sounds. They trap Baby in their tent, but she manages to run away with the tent still on her. Yuk, yuk, yuk. George is still hanging onto the tent, so imagine if she dragged him all across the jungle, over every terrain and obstacle in a parody of this scene.


As Kiviat, Nigel, and the mercenaries tow Mommy across the water, they juice her up so she can beat Michael Phelps in the Olympics to be held in Africa later that year.


As night falls, Baby decides that she wants to cuddle up with Susan. Here we get that inter-species lesbian love scene that you know you've always wanted. Okay, really Baby just has a tummy ache. I think my idea is better.


Climbing up a tree to get some Baby food, George gets attacked by a bunch of black sprinkles. I've heard about those African Black Sprinkles. They're lethal, I tell ya.


After causing him to get stung by the black sprinkles, Susan lathers mud onto George's skin in an effort to soothe his pain. She then gives him a blowjob. By that, I mean that she blows on his skin. Get your mind out of the gutter.


This leads to a make-out session between the two, which gets Baby jealous. She wants to make it a threesome. I knew she wanted to get it on with Sean Young. Who wouldn't?


As Susan starts to undress George, Baby plants a kiss on his face. Okay, maybe Baby is bisexual and wants both of them. Sadly, neither wants to play with Baby. Realizing that she won't be getting any action, she walks off dejected. This scene would play out completely differently in an R-rated parody. Imagine Susan in the foreground getting undressed, while George is lying in the background with his eyes closed. Baby comes up to him, and starts licking his face. Then she starts moving her tongue down his body and eventually into his pants. Because he has his eyes closed, George thinks it's Susan licking him. After she gets topless (for the benefit of the audience), she turns around and screams at the sight of Baby giving George a blowjob. He immediately opens his eyes and screams, too. Tell me that wouldn't be hilarious?


Anyway, after coitus, they realize that Baby is missing. Their search much have taken them all day as we immediately go from day to night. Then it fades to black for easy commercial placement on broadcast TV. The next morning, they get a signal on the receiver for the tracking device they planted on Baby earlier. You know, rather than spending the entire day searching the jungle for Baby, why didn't they just turn on the receiver and find her that way? It would have made more sense than wasting time and energy calling out to her all damn day. They don't find Baby, but they do find Dr. Kiviat's camp, where Mommy is all tied up. They sneak up to her and sever the ties that bind. Well, they try to, at least. They are discovered and captured before they can complete the job.


The next day, Dr. Kiviat and Sergeant Gambwe (Eddie Tagoe) grab George and Susan, and head off in a helicopter to look for Baby with the tracker. At least someone has some brains here. They find Baby, but just as the Colonel is about to shoot her, George punches him out of the helicopter, then they both jump into the river. They get to Baby and bring her into the jungle where she can't get to the chopper... I mean, where the chopper can't get to her.


In the jungle they find a cave, but Dr. Kiviat and his men find it, too. They make their way through the cave, only to be cornered at a waterfall. Nobody puts Baby in a corner.


Like Butch and Sundance - if they toted around a baby dinosaur - George and Susan jump off the waterfall. Baby just kinda falls off.


Eventually, they get shot out of another waterfall - though from far away, it looks like more of those dreaded African Black Sprinkles. When they get to dry land, they walk that dinosaur through the clearing.


Baby wanders off because she sensed her mother being towed on the barge in a nearby river. With how much time mother has been spending in the water, she'll earn her Swimming merit badge in no time. Baby swims out to her and, of course, gets captured by Kiviat. Knowing that George and Susan are lurking nearby, he grabs a megaphone and gives them a goodbye speech.

Hello George and Susan. I can't see you, but I'm sure you're out there somewhere. It's better for science that we have the mother and the hatchling. I am most profoundly grateful to you. Take care of yourselves. Bye, bye.

The couple take a breather in the woods and contemplate what will happen to Baby. They surmise that she will be "doped silly" by grad students. That sounds like an accurate college experience to me. Then, like the wacky neighbor on an over-rated sitcom, in walks Cephu. He takes them to meet up with Kenge Obe, the pilot who flew George out to the village earlier. Kenge has a whole crew of men who, along with Cephu and his tribe, will help storm Kiviat's camp and rescue Baby and her mother.


Sure enough, Nigel has already started doping her silly. Mother and child are going to need to go to rehab, but they said, "no, no, no".


The good guys arrive and start torching the place. George, think of all of the innocent goats and chickens. Unless your plan is to also provide a hearty dinner for everyone tonight. In which case, carry on...


Cephu subdues one of the mercenaries and grabs his gun. Susan motions to him how to use it, but he figures it out pretty quickly on his own. Of course, as expected, he first accidentally fires it, nearly killing one of his fellow tribesmen. He gets a rather amused smile on his face. See what I was saying about this guy stealing the show. Soon, he's gunning down all bad guys in sight with gleeful abandon. In a parody, that aspect would be overemphasized to Rambo-esque proportions.


Meanwhile, over at craft services...


At one point (at 1:21:31 to be exact), Kenge drops a Molotov Cocktail from his plane, causing one soldier to fly into the air right in front of George and Susan. Watching the shot in slow motion, one can see the small square wooden platform that is propelling the stuntman into the air.


As soon as they get a chance, our heroes go and free the dinos. At least that's what they're supposed to do. It looks to me like Susan is trying to behead the mother. Well, I guess Brontosaurus Burgers would be tastier than chicken and goat.



Mother is freed, and she pursues Dr. Kiviat, who is trying to escape in a pick-up truck with Baby on board.



The not-white and not-Ford Bronto on this slow-speed pursuit catches up to the Toyota pick-up. Kiviat drives the car into her, sending her crashing down onto some poor people's already-poor-looking houses. Oh, the property damage! Have I suddenly started watching a superhero movie?!? Thank goodness the wheelchair is unharmed.


With Mama down, it's a good thing that George and Susan are also in pursuit on a motorcycle. Someone needs to get that Baby! George pulls up alongside the truck and literally tells Kiviat to pull over. If that wasn't stupid enough, Susan reaches into the window and pushes him. Yeah, if a huge dinosaur and George yelling at him wasn't going to get him to stop, what makes you think pushing him will do anything, Susan?!?


Next, she pulls out a hatchet. I guess she's gonna chop his arms off. Well, that's one way to get him to stop. He can't use the steering wheel without any arms. Man, this movie just took a turn to the dark side.


Oh, nevermind. She just uses it to smash in the windshield. That was enough to send the truck careening off the road and into one of those 1980s action TV show car flips. Only they filmed it too close up, so all you see is the bottom of the truck.


Dr. Kiviat crawls out of the wreck and over to Baby. He gets really up close and personal with her. He caresses her and says supportive, nurturing things to her. He's hoping to get some of that hot dino-on-human action that George and Susan have been getting all along.


Before he can carry out dirty deeds done with dinos, mother shows up. Supplies!


She bites into him like a York Peppermint Pattie, and after she gets the sensation of human flesh, she drops him to his death.


Mother and child are reunited, and it feels so good. They head off into the weird green skyline. THE END.


If you're interested in owning a copy of Baby: Secret Of The Lost Legend, it's available on Blu-ray from Kino Lorber and Mill Creek; and DVD from Kino Lorber. The Kino Lorber releases feature interviews with star William Katt and director Bill Norton, plus the original theatrical trailer. The Mill Creek Blu-ray release is out-of-print and only contains the movie. Buy whichever one is suitable for you, just AVOID ALL DVD RELEASES FROM BUENA VISTA AND MILL CREEK, as they are all severly cropped pan-and-scan (see below).


Just like Ghostbusters, Baby: Secret Of The Lost Legend was filmed in an anamorphic aspect ratio of 2.40:1. That means that when the movie was reformatted for the old 4:3 (1.33:1 aspect ratio) television sets, half of the picture had to be cropped off. If the relevant action did not fit into the new smaller framing, an artifical camera pan would have to be instituted. Image #3 below is a good example of this. If there are people on the extreme sides of the filmed image, then an artifical pan wouldn't work, so the image would have to be cut up into new shots. This whole "chop shop" technique is known as Pan-and-Scan. Thankfully, with the advent of 16:9 (1.78:1 aspect ratio) televisions, it isn't done as much, and certainly not as drastically.

The original DVD release of Baby from Buena Vista Home Entertainment (Disney) featured a 4:3 chopped-up Pan-and-Scan transfer of the movie, which was later used on the budget DVD release from Mill Creek Entertainment. Thankfully, when the movie was first released on Blu-ray by Mill Creek, a new "correct aspect ratio" transfer was used. That was my source for the images used throughout this article. Since I also owned the Mill Creek DVD, I thought I would use both to do a comparison showing how much picture is lost in the Pan-and-Scan version (and the horrendous picture quality of that transfer/print).